Tears of A Clown…

“It is such a secret place, the land of tears.”  ~ Saint-Exupery

The words “tears of a clown” provoked in me some curiosity and reflection after hearing the phrase mentioned in a news report about the suicide of actor, Robin Williams, one of my favorite comedians. Even though his acting abilities were undeniably diverse, he was forever the comedian and his manic, impromptu style revealed a kind of unrivaled comedic genius.  It seemed inconceivable that someone who made everyone around him laugh, did not have a sense of personal inner peace.

Curiosity prevailed and I discovered the phrase “Tears of a Clown” is actually the title of a song sung by Smokey Robinson.  The lyrics read “keeping hurt and sadness hidden from the public eye - just as Pagliacci did.”  Who or what is Pagliacci?  Pagliacci is the Italian plural word for clowns.  Pagliacci is also a famous opera of a play within a play.  The main character Canio (dressed as a clown) literally stabs his cheating wife and her lover while they are performing onstage and turns to a horrified, yet unsuspecting audience and utters the famous closing line as they lie dying  “The Comedy is finished.”

The irony of this notion of outward hilarity covering an inward and unrelenting sorrow is indicative of a huge number of current contemporary issues we frequently deal with on very personal levels.  While deliberating this paradox, my phone rang with news of a break-in at my daughter’s floral shop.  The thief broke the glass of her front door and entered the shop during the early morning rush hour.  The police suspected the thief was looking for money or something to liquidate quickly to fuel a likely addiction. 

Later that same night, while dining with friends I could not help but notice a 700 lb. man dining at the table next to us.  Emotional pain manifests itself in so many ways: aggression, bullying, suicide, depression, addiction and self medication, eating, cutting and self mutilation, shopping, gambling, infidelity, excessive work, sex or exercise, as well as a variety of other self-destructive behaviors.  

This is not really just about depression and suicide, nor is is about addiction, nor even about food. Isn’t the bottom line of all these behaviors simply the various ways we run from and mask emotional pain?  Instead of having conversations about each one of these destructive behaviors individually, shouldn’t the conversation be about teaching about, identifying and assisting with emotional pain in a straight forward, direct way?  Why is this not our focus, since unresolved emotional pain seems to be the crux of so many of these issues?  

“People need loving the most when they appear to deserve it the least.” ~ John Harridan

While it seems so obvious to me that we are missing the proverbial boat, I examined my own personal resources in dealing with emotional pain as a person, parent and a former board member for the Mental Health Association.  Am I able to give a quick rundown of ways to work through emotional pain in the same way as for a fever, a cold or the flu, a pulled or strained muscle?  No, not even close.  Sure, I have some ideas and suggestions, but a well rehearsed list of options, sadly - no.  How in the world did I ever raise children?  Suddenly, I feel completely inadequate in how I equipped my own family to deal with the unavoidable stress, hurt and disappointment of life.  Are we overwhelmingly getting a failing grade in arming our society with coping strategies in dealing with life’s disappointments? I would have to say, unequivocally, yes! 

The internet is full of information about physical health.  Granted, information quite often is conflicting, but there is plenty of self-help advice to be found.  Try looking up emotional health.  Why is belly fat or high cholesterol so much more important than anxiety and depression?  Unfortunately, I had to look long and hard to find any type of list of how to work through emotional pain.  I am not so naive as to think there is a “one size fits all” list, but certainly we can start with some effective suggestions for everyday disappointments.  Serious depression and suicidal thoughts should be considered a medical emergency and can be as life threatening as a heart attack or stroke.  In less dire situations, there are healthy and effective ways to deal with emotional pain.   Below is a condensed version from WikiHow on “15 Ways to Cope with Emotional Pain.” 

1. Don’t try to cure what is normal.
2. If you have emotional pain, there is a reason for it. 
3. Don’t pretend you don’t feel it.  Allowing yourself to feel rather than denying or masking will help you process the pain.  Pray or meditate to work through it.
4. Identify all your feelings.  Identifying exactly how you feel will be helpful in processing your emotions in the wake of a traumatic or disappointing life event.
5. Endure it.  Like any other body part that is broken, giving it a few days - the pain lessens, but healing can take a little time.  
6. Talk to someone.  Knowing someone is there for you is more important than being understood.
7. Don’t let anyone tell you your feelings are not real.
8. Get your mind off yourself and how bad you feel.  Healing takes time but it won’t help you or those around you to wallow in it.  Even grief needs a break.  
9. Allow time to heal.  This too, shall pass.
10. Don’t let your pain define you.  You are better and stronger than this episode.  It won’t last forever.
11. Write a letter.  Putting your feeling on paper can help you sort them out.  Don’t try to justify - just get them out and see what you can learn from them.
12. Stay away from any statements that blame yourself or others.  Take responsibility for your part in what went wrong but resist the urge to blame.
13. Develop a learning orientation.  Trying times can help us develop better coping skills, learn wisdom and develop perspective.
14. Write a thankfulness list.  Being thankful is naturally healing and will help balance the injury.
15. If you’ve lost hope or you’re thinking of suicide, you’re either suppressing your pain or you have deeper unresolved issues that you need to complete.

For those willing to embrace faith in God, there are ways to enable the power of the Atonement to take from us the pain and suffering which catapult us far beyond our limits to cope and anguish we cannot begin to endure alone.  This is not an either/or list.  As a woman of faith I agree with every suggestion listed above.  I wish I had possessed that list as I taught my children to process hurt and disappointment.  However, using my faith and my belief in God gives me additional coping strategies that enhance the above list.  Elaine S. Marshall, the Dean of Nursing at Brigham Young University gave an exceptional address to a group of students in 2002 on this very topic.  She equates emotional healing to the physical healing from the medical field and gives five very practical lessons that facilitate healing of spirit.  

“Healing Hurts - I have learned that healing hurts.  Life hurts.  Healing really begins only when we face the hurt in its full force and then grow through it with all the strength of our soul.  For every reward of learning and growing, some degree of pain is always the price.”

“Healing is Active - You have to participate.  No one else can do it for you.  To begin healing, you must acknowledge and feel the hurt.  Only those who don’t feel, those without conscience, cannot heal.”

“Healing is Private - Private healing is not healing by abandonment.  Healing is not only private, it is sacred.  There is something so sacred about partaking of the power of the Atonement to overcome suffering, disappointment, or sin that it happens in the privacy of that special relationship between the mortal and the divine.  Healing involves a private, personal communion with the Savior, the Master Healer.”

“Healing Teaches Us - We will never be the same.  Pain changes us but not in the same way healing teaches us.  Healing can help us become more sensitive and more awake to life.  Healing inspires repentance and obedience.  Healing invites gifts of humility and faith.  It opens our hears to the profound complexities of truth, beauty, divinity, and grace.”

“Healing is a Divine Gift - The last and greatest lesson of healing is that it is a divine gift always available from a loving Heavenly Father.  If you have a pain or sorrow or disappointment or sin or just a grudge that needs healing, the Savior simply says, ‘Come unto me.’”

President Gordon B. Hinckley reminds us as servants of Jesus Christ of our responsibility to ease the pain of those around us who suffer.  “Every day someone in your path is hurting, someone is afraid, someone feels inadequate, or someone needs a friend.  Someone needs you to notice, to reach out, and to help him or her to heal.  You may not know who that is at the time, but you can give encouragement and hope.  You can help heal wounds of misunderstanding and contention.  You can serve in the cause of the Master Healer.”

When it is all said and done, “At the final day the Savior will not ask about the nature of our callings.  He will not inquire about our material possessions or fame.  He will ask if we ministered to the sick, gave food and drink to the hungry, visited those in prison, or gave succor to the weak.  When we reach out to assist the least of Heavenly Father’s children, we do it unto Him.  That is the essence of the gospel of Jesus Christ.” ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Certainly we can’t change this problem overnight.  Yet, we can all do a better job in our own circles;  to actively reach out to those who are isolated, who seem withdrawn, those without apparent friends.  Everyone needs to feel important and needed.  There is a power in a smile, in kind words and encouragement.  Helping others feel gladness, belonging and friendship may eliminate the need for a the self destructive masks camouflaging sorrow, pain and buried tears. 

WikiHow suggestionshttp://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-Emotional-Pain

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=depression

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression signs types diagnosis treatment.htm,  and http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm.  Eight Ways to Actively Fight Depression 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201110/eight-ways-actively-fight-depression

https://circle.ubc.ca/handle/2429/9945.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2004/04/lessons-on-healing

It Takes a Village....

“Alone we can do so little; together we can do

so much.”   ~ Helen Keller

This little gem of wisdom was vividly illustrated a few months ago as I tackled one of my bucket list goals - to climb a local mountain peak.  For the past twenty years I have lived in the shadow of the majesty of Mt. Olympus in the Salt Lake Valley.  The sun rises over Mt. Olympus each morning and the soft glow of the sunset gives it a surreal glow in the late afternoon.  I marvel at the bright green foliage, the brilliant leaves of fall or the contrast of a fresh winter snow against the granite rocky peaks with each passing season.  Yet, in spite of looking at it in complete awe almost every day of my life, I have never taken the opportunity to hike to the top. 

 

Over the years I have heard many accounts of hikers who have taken on the Mount Olympus challenge and it was no surprise to me that it would be a challenging hike.  Since I am in my fifties, my window for this endeavor is narrowing and I decided 2013 was going to be the year.  I guess you could say that not many among my peers have Mt. Olympus on their bucket list.  However, I run with a wonderful group of women with young, adventurous and determined spirits.  When I mentioned my desire, I had a few takers.  We all had the desire but figured we had let that opportunity pass.  While mentioning our plans to family and friends, we had a variety of responses from: “go for it,”  “you know that is really steep,’  “are you going all the way to the top?”  “be sure to take your phone” and probably our biggest motivator was “you are too old.” 

 

Our group comprised of four--each being grandmothers and all in our fifties and sixties.  It was a beautiful summer morning and we watched the sun rise and light the valley floor as we made our way up the west face.  We were full of anticipation and excitement.  I guess we all started with an expectation or our own personal agenda.  Mine was to go as far as I felt comfortable and safe.  I didn’t need to die climbing this thing or even do something dangerous that I was not equipped or trained to do. 

 

The hike is about four miles up to the peak of 9,026 feet.  There is a well defined trail ascending 4,100 vertical feet over 3.75 miles to a saddle.  The last stretch requires boulder scrambling to get to the peak.  There are several rescues each year on this trail and it has been reported that while the trail is well defined going up, it is easy to get lost coming down.  The hike is not technical and many people do it every day.  However, occasionally I see an obituary where a hiker has fallen climbing on Mt. Olympus.  With all that said, and not knowing exactly what to expect, I had what I thought were realistic expectations.  I am a reasonable person and not inclined to do anything crazy.  If I even got to the saddle where I could look into the next valley I would be satisfied, I told myself. 

 

 
 

People were not kidding when they said it was steep.  It was steep and long and hot.  However, we run marathons so we are strong and have trained ourselves to work through fatigue.  As we got close to the saddle, we met a family coming down.  They had children who were about 10 and 12 years old.  The mother told us that the boulder scrambling at the top is their favorite part.  There was a spark of consideration of going all the way that entered my mind at that moment.  A mother would not put her young children in a dangerous situation, would she?  Instead of telling myself I would go to the saddle and be satisfied, my new mantra was I will keep going as far as I feel like it is safe and then be satisfied.

Along the way a group of hikers from Texas scurried past us.  As we got to the saddle and relished in our accomplishment, I noticed the young Texans scaling up the side of the mountain peak.  There was absolutely no way I was going to do that.  The saddle is where I would stay.  Everyone else could do what they wanted but I was perfectly content to wait in the shade of the pines and take in the view of two different valleys.  One of the women said, “I didn’t come all this way to not go to the top.”  She had a point.

By going further, I was still staying within my new mantra.  I could see the trail for a distance and it still looked very reasonable.   After a short distance we approached a part of the trail where the trail was less defined because it became very rocky.  At that moment a man came up from behind and pointed the way we should go.  He reassured us that it was not difficult.  It was, however, tricky climbing the rocks because to was necessary to assess each foothold to propel you up.  However, it still felt okay to me.  If we fell, we would only fall the height of one big rock – not a big deal.  No one would plummet to their death.  One of our friends got very nervous and thought she was not going to be able to go on.  This kind man encouraged her up each and every step.  He showed her where to put her feet and where to pull with her hands.  He told her she could do it and talked her through it until she made it. 

 

At this point I turned around to watch my friend and my fear of heights gave me a huge reminder of its hold on me.  It is not a debilitating fear, but I have it none the less and it can turn me into jelly in an instant.  From this moment on fear took over.  Even though I could see going to the top was certainly within my reach, I was terrified to go back down this one particular spot.  It looked like a sheer cliff from where I was standing.  My stomach churned and I felt a little nauseous.  I was no longer enjoying the experience. 

 

We scrambled over giant granite boulders as we made our way to the top.  It is difficult to describe feeling like you are on top of the world.  Standing on a cluster of rocks looking down in every direction is a pretty awesome feeling.  I had done it!  I had climbed to the top; quivering with fear about getting back down, but I had done it nonetheless.  Or so I thought.  The nice man we were with said, “you can’t stop now.  You need to go to that other peak because it is about fifty feet higher and you should sign your name in the mailbox that is there.”  I was actually considering not going because I was so overcome with fear that all I wanted to do was get down.

 

“Good is the enemy of Great” ~ Jim Collins

 

The thought that kept ringing in my head was that we had not come all this way not to go to the top.  I was certainly not going to go down without signing that register.  Sign the register and get back down!  Unfortunately, that is all I could think about.  There was a marvelous experience to be had from that vantage point on the top of the world.  It was peaceful, it was grand, there were the most beautiful butterflies flying all around that peak.  Who even knew that butterflies could fly that high?  The air was cool, the valley clear.  I had just accomplished something far beyond what I had imagined.  My name and the name of my friends are forever written in the log at the top.  Yet, my experience was shrouded in fear; the fear of descending past one tiny spot that did not look dangerous going up but looking back became horrifying. 

 

As we approached the dreaded spot I had worried about the entire time I was standing on the peak, I decided to approach it like a crab and scramble down it.  I was down in about one minute with the greatest of ease.  Are you kidding me?  I just wasted one of the great adventures of my life worrying about that?  I tried desperately to remember how elated I would have felt and how peaceful it could have been if only my mind and stomach were not overwhelmed with pure terror. 

 

Those extra fifty feet were the difference between good and great.  How close I came to being satisfied with good when great was just a few more steps, and for me a few more anxious moments to get to the "top" of the top.  How often do we stop just short of great?  I would venture to say that quite often the difference between good and great is not vast even though we often feel like we can’t take one more step.  Sometimes, it can be one more try or ten more minutes, a few more attempts or just hanging in there a little bit longer.  In this case “great” felt significantly better than “good.”  There are no words to even describe the difference or the sense of pride I feel and will forever feel by that last small push.

 

It is quite clear I will need to do this hike one more time.  My wish is to experience the summit free of the jitters; with the confidence and peace that such an endeavor deserves.   While we descended the mountain, we processed the experience as a group and realized that each contributed something important to accomplishing this goal.  It took one to vocalize the desire, others to commit and join as none of us would have done this alone.  We were encouraged to go beyond perceived limits by a cute young family.  Likewise, the group may have been tempted to stop at the saddle without the adventurous spirit of one.   We all may not have made it without the encouragement of a stranger at a critical moment and our path may not have been clear without his direction and prior experience.  I certainly would not have gone on the extra fifty feet to sign the register without his insistence.

 

It clearly takes a village, a group or a congregation for us to go beyond where we can take ourselves.  Each of us has strengths to offer and share with others at times that are critically necessary.  Likewise, in our own humanity we can benefit from the encouragement, talents and strengths of others.  We take turns being the giver and the receiver as we forge ahead in this experience we call mortality.  There is a power that cannot be denied in surrounding ourselves with people that elevate us and encourage us to step outside ourselves to improve.

 

“Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers.  Pray for powers equal to your tasks.  Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you shall be the miracle.” ~ Phillips Brooks.  I would go so far as to say that often the powers to help us equal our tasks come from the help, example and encouragement of others.  This is the great miracle of life--synergy develops as we assist and support one another along the way. 

 

I am reminded of a truth through this experience that is written so beautifully by Maya Angelou, "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."  I don't remember exactly what was said or done to inspire us on a hot summer's day in July, but I will never forget the empowerment I felt through friends and complete strangers who helped me not only accomplish a goal, but exceed it ten-fold.  Now, as I look out my window and drive to and from my home in the shadow of Mt. Olympus and marvel at its beauty each and every day, I become breathless for one tiny moment knowing that my name is in the mailbox at the top.  Mt. Olympus, I will never forget you.

 

The Power of a Single Word

A few weeks ago I received a text message from my son living in Boston thanking me for a fun weekend  spent together as a family.  Warmly reminiscing about the time we had together, I quickly responded to his message by telling him that the pleasure of their visit was certainly ours.  Upon pushing the send button, I realized that my predictive text had inserted the word “plague” for the word pleasure.  Oh how much of a difference one single word can make in the messages we convey to those we love!  A message of gratitude and love quickly changed to something much more sinister.  In certain situations something of this nature could not be passed off for the humorous situation that it was.

The power of words is somewhat magical in the way they can uplift and edify or tear down.  We use words every day to encourage, buoy up the down-trodden, praise, appreciate, and comfort those in our lives.  A single word of encouragement can turn around situations; can inspire individuals to change the course of their very lives.  The Savior used the magic of single words to uplift those closest to Him.  His friend John he called “beloved”.  Can you imagine how your attitude, your outlook and even your very behavior might be elevated if the Savior called you “beloved?” 

Randall Jones, a BYU Professor addressed a crowd at BYU stating, ”Watch your language!  It is a tool far more powerful than you can possibly imagine.  Think of the good you can accomplish by using it in the way that the Lord has intended.  Like many things that our Father in Heaven has blessed us with, language can be used as a force to bring about much righteousness, to bring us blessings, and to bless the lives of those around us.  But it can also be used as a tool of destruction.  It can edify and uplift as well as vilify and destroy. “

Language is like music; we rejoice in beauty,

        range, and quality in both, and we are demeaned

                      by the repetition of a few sour notes.

                                            ~Spencer W. Kimball

 

Elder Charles A. Didier of the Church of Jesus Christ said that, “Language is divine.  Some may know this but do not realize its implications in their daily family life.  Love at home starts with a loving language.  This need is so important that, without loving words, some become mentally unbalanced, others emotionally disturbed, and some may even die.  No society can survive after its family life has deteriorated, and this deterioration has always started with one word.”

Often we are careless in the selection of the words that we use in conversation, in discussion and to describe one another.  We blurt them out, sometimes, without thinking through the power they may have on others.  Much like our cell phone, we have the ability to proofread and substitute, so to speak, before sending if we will only use the filters that we possess.  The difference is that we have the intelligence and humanity to insert more appropriate words for the situation.   May we strive to leave people that we associate with better than we found them.  It is within our power, if we proof before we “send.”