Thy Will and Not Mine…

If you live and breathe and find yourself in relationships, you know all too well that sometimes you get your way and sometimes you yield for the greater good of family, friends, colleagues and significant others.  We have come to understand and expect this in our collective circles, and even in our play.  A sense of respect flows in the symphony of “give and take”.  In spite of this understanding, we don’t like to be on either end too long or the equilibrium is unsettled.  While indeed a balance, it is not necessarily an overly delicate one.  Often it can be lop-sided for a period of time based on need and we all find ourselves called upon to shoulder such responsibility from time to time.  We are a service oriented people and that is just what we do.

The “give and take” of which I have just described is more temporal in nature.  Our humanity thrives on fairness and equity - on reciprocity.  From time to time, we evaluate and even terminate relationships that don’t invest with the same intensity and loyalty that we do.  Such relationships sap our energy and life and even our resources.  Life is short and there is only so much time and energy to go around.  We save that energy for those most important to us.

However, this is not the type of “give and take” that I am writing about.  There is a more eternal "give and take" that sometimes requires far more faith and understanding than we feel possible.  I am talking about the Lord’s will for us when it seems so harshly different from our most righteous desires and goals.  I am talking about outcomes that challenge the notion of righteous living following God’s commandments, followed by promised and expected  blessings.  I am talking about reassurances that things will be okay, yet sometimes they ultimately go very wrong.

Since we are talking about the word “okay”.  There seems to me to be a temporal meaning of “okay” and an eternal definition of “okay” that almost seem like polar opposites.  For the record, I prefer the temporal “okay.”  This is the “okay” that everything will be fine, will work out how we are expecting it will and leave us warm and fuzzy.  This is the “okay” that our painful moments will not require too much of us personally and will be fairly temporary.  The eternal “okay” requires far more stretching than I feel like I want for myself on any given day.  The eternal “okay” is a type of gut-wrenching struggle that calls into question everything you know to be true.  It is my humble opinion that this word should be substituted with something more realistic such as, “acceptable after commiserate blood, sweat and tears over a much longer period than you feel humanly possible.”  That is the meaning of eternal “okay.”  They should just say that so that we don’t get confused.

When asked to drink from the sometimes truly bitter cup of accepting God’s will, how do we do so without becoming bitter ourselves?  Why me? Why us? Why now?  Most recently I have wrestled with those very questions.  My thoughts turned to my beliefs that if we expect a certain outcome based on our behavior and our sacrifices, we are demonstrating a sense of entitlement to our Maker.  Since I abhor entitlement, I had to process things in a different way.  Why not me? Why not us? Why not now?  My ability to see God’s tender mercies and small miracles were poured out abundantly as I shifted my thought process from initial feelings of bitterness with a bit more humility.  I may have missed the blessings the Lord was trying to shower on us during a most difficult situation.  He had not left us alone and I could have missed it all if I had focused my energy on anger.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine hear; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”  Proverbs 3:5

President Ezra Taft Benson taught that through our obedience to the Savior, “Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can.  He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace.”

In the Book of Mormon it states, “And I will . . . ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.”  Mosiah 24:14

When it comes to submitting our will to God, it is really the only thing we can give to Him that is not His already.  Elder Neal A. Maxwell says it most eloquently, “The submission of one’s will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God’s altar.  The many other things we ‘give,’ …are actually the things He has already given or loaned to us.  However, when you and I finally submit ourselves, by letting our individual wills be swallowed up in God’s will, then we are really giving something to Him!  It is the only possession which is truly ours to give!”

I am quoting quite a bit because I have found myself lacking and void of any profound wisdom on how to submit to the really hard stuff.  For as long as I can remember I have been an advocate of fairness.  Lectures of “life is not fair” have not resonated with me because I believe with all my heart that life should be.  My work ethic is strong and I have never expected something for nothing.  This perhaps leaves me a little bewildered when blindsided with unfairness.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.”  Isaiah 55:8

Having the desire to redirect my pleas from why us, why now, to please give us the faith and the strength to accept Thy will and not mine, is summed up so completely by Elder David A. Bednar.  “We learn we need to gain the faith that the Lord is in charge whatever the outcome may be, and He will guide us from where we are to where we need to be….Please give me the faith to accept whatever outcome Thou hast planned for me.  Thus even with strong faith, many mountains will not be moved.  And not all of the sick and infirm will be healed.  If all opposition were curtailed, if all maladies were removed, then the primary purposes of the Father’s plan would be frustrated.  

Ten days after our son and his wife lost their first full term baby, I still have no answers for Why them?  Why us?  Why now?  What I do know is that the more fully I accept God’s will, the more aware I am that He is with us and with them.  He has been on our right hand and on our left and His angels have been round about.  I am comforted knowing that these things can stretch us beyond what we could have imagined.  My comfort includes knowing that the Lord will make shoulders strong to carry the load and that He will accompany us in our affliction.  For now, I acknowledge a limited understanding of “why” and yield to He who knows more than I about what is in store for my kids.  For He who has blessed my life in more ways that I could ever count, I will give Him the only gift I can offer and that is trusting His will over my own.

photo credit: www.juxtapost.com

Tears of A Clown…

“It is such a secret place, the land of tears.”  ~ Saint-Exupery

The words “tears of a clown” provoked in me some curiosity and reflection after hearing the phrase mentioned in a news report about the suicide of actor, Robin Williams, one of my favorite comedians. Even though his acting abilities were undeniably diverse, he was forever the comedian and his manic, impromptu style revealed a kind of unrivaled comedic genius.  It seemed inconceivable that someone who made everyone around him laugh, did not have a sense of personal inner peace.

Curiosity prevailed and I discovered the phrase “Tears of a Clown” is actually the title of a song sung by Smokey Robinson.  The lyrics read “keeping hurt and sadness hidden from the public eye - just as Pagliacci did.”  Who or what is Pagliacci?  Pagliacci is the Italian plural word for clowns.  Pagliacci is also a famous opera of a play within a play.  The main character Canio (dressed as a clown) literally stabs his cheating wife and her lover while they are performing onstage and turns to a horrified, yet unsuspecting audience and utters the famous closing line as they lie dying  “The Comedy is finished.”

The irony of this notion of outward hilarity covering an inward and unrelenting sorrow is indicative of a huge number of current contemporary issues we frequently deal with on very personal levels.  While deliberating this paradox, my phone rang with news of a break-in at my daughter’s floral shop.  The thief broke the glass of her front door and entered the shop during the early morning rush hour.  The police suspected the thief was looking for money or something to liquidate quickly to fuel a likely addiction. 

Later that same night, while dining with friends I could not help but notice a 700 lb. man dining at the table next to us.  Emotional pain manifests itself in so many ways: aggression, bullying, suicide, depression, addiction and self medication, eating, cutting and self mutilation, shopping, gambling, infidelity, excessive work, sex or exercise, as well as a variety of other self-destructive behaviors.  

This is not really just about depression and suicide, nor is is about addiction, nor even about food. Isn’t the bottom line of all these behaviors simply the various ways we run from and mask emotional pain?  Instead of having conversations about each one of these destructive behaviors individually, shouldn’t the conversation be about teaching about, identifying and assisting with emotional pain in a straight forward, direct way?  Why is this not our focus, since unresolved emotional pain seems to be the crux of so many of these issues?  

“People need loving the most when they appear to deserve it the least.” ~ John Harridan

While it seems so obvious to me that we are missing the proverbial boat, I examined my own personal resources in dealing with emotional pain as a person, parent and a former board member for the Mental Health Association.  Am I able to give a quick rundown of ways to work through emotional pain in the same way as for a fever, a cold or the flu, a pulled or strained muscle?  No, not even close.  Sure, I have some ideas and suggestions, but a well rehearsed list of options, sadly - no.  How in the world did I ever raise children?  Suddenly, I feel completely inadequate in how I equipped my own family to deal with the unavoidable stress, hurt and disappointment of life.  Are we overwhelmingly getting a failing grade in arming our society with coping strategies in dealing with life’s disappointments? I would have to say, unequivocally, yes! 

The internet is full of information about physical health.  Granted, information quite often is conflicting, but there is plenty of self-help advice to be found.  Try looking up emotional health.  Why is belly fat or high cholesterol so much more important than anxiety and depression?  Unfortunately, I had to look long and hard to find any type of list of how to work through emotional pain.  I am not so naive as to think there is a “one size fits all” list, but certainly we can start with some effective suggestions for everyday disappointments.  Serious depression and suicidal thoughts should be considered a medical emergency and can be as life threatening as a heart attack or stroke.  In less dire situations, there are healthy and effective ways to deal with emotional pain.   Below is a condensed version from WikiHow on “15 Ways to Cope with Emotional Pain.” 

1. Don’t try to cure what is normal.
2. If you have emotional pain, there is a reason for it. 
3. Don’t pretend you don’t feel it.  Allowing yourself to feel rather than denying or masking will help you process the pain.  Pray or meditate to work through it.
4. Identify all your feelings.  Identifying exactly how you feel will be helpful in processing your emotions in the wake of a traumatic or disappointing life event.
5. Endure it.  Like any other body part that is broken, giving it a few days - the pain lessens, but healing can take a little time.  
6. Talk to someone.  Knowing someone is there for you is more important than being understood.
7. Don’t let anyone tell you your feelings are not real.
8. Get your mind off yourself and how bad you feel.  Healing takes time but it won’t help you or those around you to wallow in it.  Even grief needs a break.  
9. Allow time to heal.  This too, shall pass.
10. Don’t let your pain define you.  You are better and stronger than this episode.  It won’t last forever.
11. Write a letter.  Putting your feeling on paper can help you sort them out.  Don’t try to justify - just get them out and see what you can learn from them.
12. Stay away from any statements that blame yourself or others.  Take responsibility for your part in what went wrong but resist the urge to blame.
13. Develop a learning orientation.  Trying times can help us develop better coping skills, learn wisdom and develop perspective.
14. Write a thankfulness list.  Being thankful is naturally healing and will help balance the injury.
15. If you’ve lost hope or you’re thinking of suicide, you’re either suppressing your pain or you have deeper unresolved issues that you need to complete.

For those willing to embrace faith in God, there are ways to enable the power of the Atonement to take from us the pain and suffering which catapult us far beyond our limits to cope and anguish we cannot begin to endure alone.  This is not an either/or list.  As a woman of faith I agree with every suggestion listed above.  I wish I had possessed that list as I taught my children to process hurt and disappointment.  However, using my faith and my belief in God gives me additional coping strategies that enhance the above list.  Elaine S. Marshall, the Dean of Nursing at Brigham Young University gave an exceptional address to a group of students in 2002 on this very topic.  She equates emotional healing to the physical healing from the medical field and gives five very practical lessons that facilitate healing of spirit.  

“Healing Hurts - I have learned that healing hurts.  Life hurts.  Healing really begins only when we face the hurt in its full force and then grow through it with all the strength of our soul.  For every reward of learning and growing, some degree of pain is always the price.”

“Healing is Active - You have to participate.  No one else can do it for you.  To begin healing, you must acknowledge and feel the hurt.  Only those who don’t feel, those without conscience, cannot heal.”

“Healing is Private - Private healing is not healing by abandonment.  Healing is not only private, it is sacred.  There is something so sacred about partaking of the power of the Atonement to overcome suffering, disappointment, or sin that it happens in the privacy of that special relationship between the mortal and the divine.  Healing involves a private, personal communion with the Savior, the Master Healer.”

“Healing Teaches Us - We will never be the same.  Pain changes us but not in the same way healing teaches us.  Healing can help us become more sensitive and more awake to life.  Healing inspires repentance and obedience.  Healing invites gifts of humility and faith.  It opens our hears to the profound complexities of truth, beauty, divinity, and grace.”

“Healing is a Divine Gift - The last and greatest lesson of healing is that it is a divine gift always available from a loving Heavenly Father.  If you have a pain or sorrow or disappointment or sin or just a grudge that needs healing, the Savior simply says, ‘Come unto me.’”

President Gordon B. Hinckley reminds us as servants of Jesus Christ of our responsibility to ease the pain of those around us who suffer.  “Every day someone in your path is hurting, someone is afraid, someone feels inadequate, or someone needs a friend.  Someone needs you to notice, to reach out, and to help him or her to heal.  You may not know who that is at the time, but you can give encouragement and hope.  You can help heal wounds of misunderstanding and contention.  You can serve in the cause of the Master Healer.”

When it is all said and done, “At the final day the Savior will not ask about the nature of our callings.  He will not inquire about our material possessions or fame.  He will ask if we ministered to the sick, gave food and drink to the hungry, visited those in prison, or gave succor to the weak.  When we reach out to assist the least of Heavenly Father’s children, we do it unto Him.  That is the essence of the gospel of Jesus Christ.” ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Certainly we can’t change this problem overnight.  Yet, we can all do a better job in our own circles;  to actively reach out to those who are isolated, who seem withdrawn, those without apparent friends.  Everyone needs to feel important and needed.  There is a power in a smile, in kind words and encouragement.  Helping others feel gladness, belonging and friendship may eliminate the need for a the self destructive masks camouflaging sorrow, pain and buried tears. 

WikiHow suggestionshttp://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-Emotional-Pain

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=depression

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression signs types diagnosis treatment.htm,  and http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm.  Eight Ways to Actively Fight Depression 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201110/eight-ways-actively-fight-depression

https://circle.ubc.ca/handle/2429/9945.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2004/04/lessons-on-healing